New Record
Stretching the comfort zone. It is a new record. Probably the longest distance I ever run since ever. *Melecet* No pain no gain. This means that my long term running program is on track. I started this running routine back in October. I am supposed to cover the distance of 6500m by the end of November and I did. The end I did. The routine was somewhat halted during the fasting and Hari Raya season. Now no exams, and needing to get a job desperately, I could concentrate more on my running.
No matter that the speed I ran was just beginner's rate. It does not matter. In fact I have not been carrying a watch with me. Previously a watch would have been really distracting my running. Letting the mind free is the key to running.
I also felt a new sensation during the run. Towards the end of my run, I switched to what I call the 'autopilot'. I let my mind from the running and not really thinking of anything else as well. I want to use this technique in my future runs. Perhaps this mode can exist only after 30 min of running. But it was something different, perhaps with the endorphin having kicked in, 'autopilot' was possible. I was letting my body run on its own. However I was running at a considerably easy rate.
Job Hunt Resumes
Exams is over. Hari Raya Celebration is subsiding. Back to reality. I need money to pass through life. And so, the job hunt begins. I am still clueless as how to support myself when I if I study in polytechnic in July 05.
This may be crazy talk but nursing as a course and signing up as with the army-poly thingy are options. Business may be a way out but what?? Drawing portraits, guitar lessons, web design? I am not an expert in any of these. So I will try. But it will take time.
So a regular job is the best bet for now. What kinda job. Back to what I have been doing the longest. Delivering on bike. McDonalds is a fresh option. Canadian Pizza has an outlet nearby. Whatever it will be, I need it fast. Not even the coming ERS will hold me on much longer.
Letting IT out
I am tired of living as an underachiever. I am always seeing people who are high flyers in what they do and say, I could have done that. I do not wish to say that anymore. I am sick and tired of surppressing myself of my rights. I do not even care if anyone chould read this. This is my say, my thoughts.
I am 22 and my highest educational qualification thus far is just an O levels ceritificate I got last year. I have said that my plight is due to unfortunate circumstances. I will allow myself leeway if I were younger. I am already 22 and should have known better even earlier.
Big Bro has always overshaowed me. I let him. Giving him way always had partly made him what he has become today, what I became.
I will show when I am pissed off. I hate the way he push his weight around mum and dad, especially mum. But mum usually respond to him. Makes no difference that I help a
LOT around the house. I keep saying that I do not care for love from my family, but I do. I am glad for what I have but I want more. There is a huge unresolved issue between my Big Bro and myself. Going into business is the last thing that I would want to do with him as long as the unresolved issues are not out in the open and each side taking the blows. I am not ready for such confrontation yet. I lack the tools. My lack of education will be a pivotal in this.
I am already cutting him some slack here. I see his temper is very much like dad's. That is one time bomb. However, I feel that I can piss him off more now. He needs that as a reality check. Maybe my view is perversed here, but I think 3rd sis and 4th bro probably has similar views here. I want the best for my family. I am saying like there is a huge problem in my family. No, there is not. We are much better off than most. There are things to change for us to empower one another. I must start to shoulder more responsibility especially towards myself and my younger siblings.
I have lost much respect that Big Bro actually smoke out of peer pressure. Weak. That's what I said. Conforming to what he long been dissing. That is so uncool.
I want to be the talking point the next hari raya and so on. Also other great things about my other siblings. It is about time to pay more attention to my wants.
Dad. I tried getting closer to dad by asking what he used to do during his days in Pulau Brani. His terawih days back then. That is about all I have achieved for now. He still see me as someone he can order around, not as much. It used to be traumatising for me. I hated thise days. I am glad for today. Still he has a lot of work to do with his his temper. "Sesungguhnya sabar itu separuh daripada iman."
Mum. She is overworked. The brains in the family become the coming of Big Bro. I want to put her out of her pain. Help, I try. Still cannot forget the days that I got crushed from my expectations from her. PSLE result for one. Her complete ignorance seemingly. Everyone's ignorance. The following Hari Raya I remember someone calling me stupid, Bro got got 'scholarship or bursary'. I don't remember. At least she spoke for me.
Grandma. Everyone should be nicer to her. I need to talk to her more. I try. I should make articles of her experiences. Can be irritating at times but still no damning damage done.
5th and 6th sis still learning the meaning of life. Needs the best guidance.
3rd sis. Turning out pretty good. Driven, not too effective. Needs to learn to be efficient. Could impart some knowledge to her, spend more time with her in the coming poly years.
4th bro. Lazy due to rebelling. Like the way I was. Very different from me though. Can use some guidance.
Me. So much work to be done. Need to find a passion in life. Need to learn Islam. Need to practise Islam. Secure that place in university. Make friends. Learn my own strengths. My way of doing things. Change myself, change my family, change the whole world.
I really want to mend my ways
I really want to become a better man. I believe that I can do this. Especially now that Iwould finally make it to polytechnic. This is not confirmed yet but I am very confident of this. Tomorrow, I will be sitting for my geography part of combined humanities. Then there would be a. maths 2 and science 1 left.
I want to be in control of my nafsu. Likening controlling nafsu to driving has been effective. If you can't your life will crash before you. Alhamdulillah, things have been really splendid. I am fighting a JIHAD. Allahuakhbar!! I am bound to feel some resistence especially in this world that I live in. To be in control of myself will be liberating. Another step to continuos success is by reciting the Al-Quran. I am falling in love with it. There is so much to learn and there is time.
To be steadfast in what I do is another tool.
Sebaik2nya amalan adalah amalan yang sentiasa dialakukan walaupun sedikit. I have so many things to do. The journey is long. I am ready to take it on.
I have come to accept that, what I have become so far, what I have gone through, my nature, is just going to make me stronger in the end. My nature is something that I am intrigued. I have always felt inferior. Like the way I think is unlike others. Once, the way I look, different from others. Still feel that way but I can work with it positively.
Hari Raya 2004
I am not expecting this year to be spectacular. Financial wise, I am broke to the bones(don't know if such metaphor exists). I am old, should be working, nothing great to brag to distant family members. The fact that I gain some weight back does not help. However Ramadhan has been awesome.
I wish to maintain and improve religiously. I foresee 2005 will be an awesome year. By then, I would be fit, quite buffed up. I wouls be studying in a polytechnic. Would have made new friends and get closer to old ones. Having started a business of my own, would be financial stable and able to give money. Would have got to know a special girl, if not get close to a number of girls. I would have a renewed passion in martial arts. Flexible as a gymnast. Stronger than ever. Be the beginning of the rest of my life.
Ramadhan coming to an end
This year's Ramadhan is coming to an end. It has been a pretty good. It has been better than last year. I read the Quran. I want to be pretty good at it by next year. I belief that Islam has the cure for the miseries in life. Every decond on earth is a test from Allah. When you are rich, you are tested with your wealth. When you are poor, you are tested with your patience.
Then we all die. Why? Because Allah is fair. Then we will be judged by our actions. Everyone will be judged. Reminder death always and remember that you are being judged and that Allah is merciful and taubat is open for everyone. Start today.
It was over yesterday
The biggest hurdle of this year's o level is over. Yesterday was chemistry paper, part of my combined science subject. I did pretty well considering the fact that I was not thoroughly prepared. I did a A2-B4 perfomance, I think... I hope. The hopes of attaining A2 as the final result is pretty okay. I only hace the MCQ section left. Don't oversleep like last year.
Feeling a bit sleepy... up all night studying my WAD course.
I am so happy
I am so happy right now. Just woke up and the head feeling a little groggy. I got an e-mail reply from temasek polytechnic. I was asking about the qualification of certain courses. Apparently, I F9 will be taken into account. I will need to do do good for my chemistry paper and for mcq. I know my course options is not that great but I am glad that what should have been over in 1998 will be over this year in 2004. So technically I took 4 years of traditional life of a Singaporean, minusing 2 years of NS. That kinda sucks and all seeing what my peers have gone through. But life is such. It is not a constant. I have learnt a lot by observing and
I am smiling from ear to ear.
That aside. I have been feeling th old 'vertigo' feeling a number of times post NS. I fear that if this should happen while I am riding. I think it is linked to the food that I eat. I must start choosing what I eat carefully. My family's history make me more susceptible to some diseases. I must not take things for granted. Also my double heartbeat condition might be a factor. Doctor says it is nothing. I am praying that he is right.
The thing to do now is do my best for the rest of the papers. Especially chemistry and science mcq. Aiming for A1, worse.. B3.
Welcome To My LIfe
I am listening to Simple Plan's Welcome to my Life. It's a great song. I want to make something special of my life. I will my bad addictions. I want to share this life with someone special. I have read people my age, earning good money while doing university. I am yearning for poly life.
I want to do the best and gain a university admission. I totally need to revamp my very being. Hopefully, being 22 will give me the advantage. I would be 23 then. I want to learn from other's mistake. Especially those close to me. Bro Ariffin for example. His EE diploma is not of his interest. Same with coz Khalid. To be independent financially not like other people. This may pose a problem but I have 6 months to gather savings and maybe open up a business. Web development is a good avenue.
I am already doing web designing for a friend who wants to pay. But I am not charging yet. I can see a good business prospect by doing portraits.
Business aside. 23, I will work my ass out this time and make the 5% cut. I want to take taekwando. At the same time do my nitec. I would probably end up hanging out with lil sis and lil bro's friends. At least I can look out for them.
(Random thought) Being rich would be nice.
