Stretching The Comfort Zone

Letting IT out

I am tired of living as an underachiever. I am always seeing people who are high flyers in what they do and say, I could have done that. I do not wish to say that anymore. I am sick and tired of surppressing myself of my rights. I do not even care if anyone chould read this. This is my say, my thoughts.

I am 22 and my highest educational qualification thus far is just an O levels ceritificate I got last year. I have said that my plight is due to unfortunate circumstances. I will allow myself leeway if I were younger. I am already 22 and should have known better even earlier.

Big Bro has always overshaowed me. I let him. Giving him way always had partly made him what he has become today, what I became. I will show when I am pissed off. I hate the way he push his weight around mum and dad, especially mum. But mum usually respond to him. Makes no difference that I help a LOT around the house. I keep saying that I do not care for love from my family, but I do. I am glad for what I have but I want more. There is a huge unresolved issue between my Big Bro and myself. Going into business is the last thing that I would want to do with him as long as the unresolved issues are not out in the open and each side taking the blows. I am not ready for such confrontation yet. I lack the tools. My lack of education will be a pivotal in this.

I am already cutting him some slack here. I see his temper is very much like dad's. That is one time bomb. However, I feel that I can piss him off more now. He needs that as a reality check. Maybe my view is perversed here, but I think 3rd sis and 4th bro probably has similar views here. I want the best for my family. I am saying like there is a huge problem in my family. No, there is not. We are much better off than most. There are things to change for us to empower one another. I must start to shoulder more responsibility especially towards myself and my younger siblings.

I have lost much respect that Big Bro actually smoke out of peer pressure. Weak. That's what I said. Conforming to what he long been dissing. That is so uncool.

I want to be the talking point the next hari raya and so on. Also other great things about my other siblings. It is about time to pay more attention to my wants.

Dad. I tried getting closer to dad by asking what he used to do during his days in Pulau Brani. His terawih days back then. That is about all I have achieved for now. He still see me as someone he can order around, not as much. It used to be traumatising for me. I hated thise days. I am glad for today. Still he has a lot of work to do with his his temper. "Sesungguhnya sabar itu separuh daripada iman."

Mum. She is overworked. The brains in the family become the coming of Big Bro. I want to put her out of her pain. Help, I try. Still cannot forget the days that I got crushed from my expectations from her. PSLE result for one. Her complete ignorance seemingly. Everyone's ignorance. The following Hari Raya I remember someone calling me stupid, Bro got got 'scholarship or bursary'. I don't remember. At least she spoke for me.

Grandma. Everyone should be nicer to her. I need to talk to her more. I try. I should make articles of her experiences. Can be irritating at times but still no damning damage done.

5th and 6th sis still learning the meaning of life. Needs the best guidance.

3rd sis. Turning out pretty good. Driven, not too effective. Needs to learn to be efficient. Could impart some knowledge to her, spend more time with her in the coming poly years.

4th bro. Lazy due to rebelling. Like the way I was. Very different from me though. Can use some guidance.

Me. So much work to be done. Need to find a passion in life. Need to learn Islam. Need to practise Islam. Secure that place in university. Make friends. Learn my own strengths. My way of doing things. Change myself, change my family, change the whole world.

posted by Firdaus @ 12:13 AM